summer school

So finally the schoolyear is over and summer is here. We're going to do school over the summer, but on a more relaxed basis. Without repetition, so many facts are lost, we find it easier this way. I was talking with my oldest daughter yesterday about homeschooling and some of the flack we got about it when she and her brother, now in their 20's, were kids. So many people criticize the lack of socialization. Yet so much of the school socialization is less than desirable. And the bus ride to and from school- that's a story in itself. Maybe my kids are sheltered. I kind of like it that way. I can't prevent them from being bombarded with ideas I don't approve of, but in our family, we have seen that homeschooling delays it, giving them a little more time to mature before the bombardment. Makes sense to me.

Are you serious?? Get real!!

I've been thinking lately about something a couple of people said to me. This was back awhile ago when I was having one of my "I didn't sign up for this" marriage issues. I had found out that dh had fallen into the porn addiction again, and it seemed like life as I knew it was over. When that happened, I talked with several people who I knew would understand. And they did. I was able to get lots of support, which was so helpful. Sometimes you just absolutely need other people to hold you up. You know they cannot do one thing to change your situation. Nevertheless, you somehow need to talk to them, and it keeps your head afloat. I thank God for the people in my life that I can go to in times like that, and I hope that God helps me to be there for someone too. Anyway, two or three people told me that after we got through this, dh and I may end up better than we started; we may get closer through this. I remember those words hanging in the air as if trapped between their mouth and my ears. What? My mind said, "reject!" Firstly, how will we EVER get THROUGH THIS? Then, I felt like we may, in fact, end. But not end up better. No way. Not after this. Lastly, as far as "closer" was concerned, that was even more absurd. It was obvious that dh was not interested in closeness with his family, but had instead willingly chosen to give all of us up for the images on our computer or tv screen. After a gigantic slap in the face with that reality, this "family" was pretty much demolished.
Now, I didn't say anything, but I sure remember thinking that my friends had a sudden lapse with reality or something like that. Well, it's funny now, because as I look at it, things have improved, dh has made many changes, gotten my trust back, and I believe improved himself as a man, as a dad, and in his relationship with God. It took time. I saw him find an internet course dealing with pornography addiction. He was loyal to it. I saw him opening up to other men about it and being accountable. I saw him spend a lot of time with a personal friend and elder at our church, memorizing verses and studying the bible. I saw him sticking with it. I have to respect that. We were able to talk about it. We saw the "Fireproof"movie together, and that seemed to really help dh understand how I was affected. In the end, things are better. DH is better for having gone through that, because it forced him to look at and change some of the things in his life. I have learned that the porn was a symptom. It was only when DH was willing and able to deal with the larger issues that the symptom disappeared. I also feel that I am better for having gone through this, although I am sure glad it has passed. I learned that each of our sins are more sins against God than against each other, and so, even if I am hurt, to rely on God to work the situation before I jump in to make changes. I realize how strong Satan's draw to temptation is, and how easily he can destroy families with this secret sin. But not this time. This dh got his family back. Got his relationship with God back. Got his self respect back. One for the good team.

So I have totally neglected my blog for awhile. That's okay, don't worry, I neglected plenty of other things as well!! That's how life is. Anyway, we've gotten past Thanksgiving at our house. It was nice. We had a houseful and a half, plenty of food, and lots to be thankful for ( Not the best grammar there, but that's okay, too.) Now my kids are counting the days until Christmas, and so am I. They're thinking about presents, I'm thinking about lists, time, and $$. But really, we should be thinking of Christ's birth and ultimate sacrifice for all that believe. The media doesn't exactly put much of Christ in Christmas. So we try to at least do more of Christmas Eve presents (like my family used to do-Santa used to take care of our part of the world early), and having Christmas Day being more about Jesus' birthday and family for dinner. We often have birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas Eve.Then the 26th is Christopher's birthday, so three days in a row of celebration.
As I look at my Christmas tree, I see ornaments from my grandchildren, ornaments I had made for my children, a little angel for our grandchild in heaven (I know she's not an angel, but this little angel baby kneeling down with a little hospital style cap, and wings that say,"Tis a gift to believe", speaks to me of the Book of Life and the songs of praise in heaven), several ornaments with names of babies for which we did foster care, several snow white doves (before my mom passed away, she pointed out to me a dove flying in her room. She didn't like birds at all, she was actually afraid of them up close, but she so wanted me to be able to see this dove. I couldn't. She died the next day).
These things make the Christmas tree more than a decoration; more than a place to put the presents; more than a candy cane holder. It is a perfect followup to Thanksgiving. It is a rembrance of the people I love and am thankful for; a sign of the hope and belief I have in my mom's and my grandbaby's life in heaven. I know I'll see them there. What better Christmas promise could there be????!!!!!

Introducing Christopher

I'd like to introduce you to Christopher. He's the african-american little boy in the lakeside pic.
We adopted Chris when he was two. He had bowel surgery when he was an infant, and had a colostomy for a short time until they were able to rejoin his bowel segments. He's been pretty healthy since then, so we are grateful for that. Chris is a very auditory learner, and so I try to keep that in mind when homeschooling. Repeating information verbally is really helpful to him in learning things. He's also the one that often pops up with phrases learned on tv or elsewhere. He may or may not put them in the right context, which can be so, so funny. Chris is struggling forward, slowly, in his reading. It is quite a challenge for him, especially since Corey, who is 7 months younger, reads so well. That's the opportunity for me to talk about the gifts we have and the gifts we don't have. In this day of the whole "self-esteem" hype, I think it is useful for kids to grow up understanding that we all have different gifts and challenges (including mom and dad), and we just need to do the best we can with what we have. Others will often be put in our path to fill in or help in areas we struggle. I try to remind my kids, when they often complain, "It's not fair", that much in life will never be fair (examples are endless), and think about Jesus praying to his Father, anticipating and accepting the unfair treatment He would endure to provide a way for us to one day join Him in Heaven. Now, having said that from a homeschool mom point of view, I must admit that there are many times I also need a review of that same lesson. That's another of the great opportunities homeschooling provides-we learn as we teach, and we need just as much review as they do!! Look for pop-quiz in future post!!

Trials and temptations revisited

Okay, so back to the issue of getting one's dh back on the wagon. Every situation is as unique as our past, our faith, our upbringing, our peers, our emotional issues, and on and on and on. There are groups on the internet where you can read posts and ask questions of people going thru the same thing. You can get counseling, but be careful. Not all counseling is helpful, some may only exacerbate the whole situation. In our situation, it is going to be a combination of dh having an accountability person that will truly hold him accountable, but love him all the while; asking God to lighten the temptation and asking people to pray about this (you're right, this means people will know our family is not perfect. So be it. It is what it is (again thanking my wonderful friend for this adage) ; blocking the tv and internet from further temptations (check out K9, it's free, and it even barks!) ; checking on the medications and making any changes needed; learning how to see signs of danger or bipolar episodes that seem to coincide with the porn problem; digging into the Word to recall verses about how Satan roams the Earth like a lion looking for those he can devour, about putting on the full armor of God, about not giving place to the devil, about keeping pure, about how He is faithful to forgive our sins when we confess them, etc, etc, etc. Note I am not giving the verses here. If you need these, you need to search them out yourself. Look up the key words in the back of your bible and you should be able to find them, or perhaps He will lead you elsewhere.

Now, being in this situation feels just like being a video game character on it's last life. I know I waffled between anger, hurt, betrayal, trying to figure out the reason, etc. Knowing Satan was involved but that God would use it somehow for good was a comfort, but difficult to keep in the forefront of my thoughts. Sleep felt like the most comfortable thing to do, but that's just a way to escape. I am so thankful that we have Christian friends that love us and are willing to talk to me and or dh, as well as offer help and encouragement. I am thankful also that dh does want things to change, is open to both encouraging and tough love accountability. I believe that dh, in the 50's range of life, with hormonal medical issues and the porn issue beginning at the same time, is a man that easily and unwittingly can fall prey to that roaming lion. I also believe that dh will find peace only when surrounded by prayer, walking as close to God as he can, minute by minute, wearing the armor of God. It won't be easy even then, but without each of those things, would be impossible. There are two books called, "Every Man's Battle", and, "Every Heart Restored", that may be helpful. As always, remember that these books are not the Bible, written by people. So be discerning, ask God to let the good info sink in, and any poor info to not make it past your eyes.

Again, even though some pretend otherwise, our lives are not perfect. We all have sin. We often find ourselves on the wrong path. I share my life here, with all of it's reality. How can we repair and clean something we hide, in the darkness, alone?

Trials and Temptations

Remember my posting about how God walks with us through the events in our life? I had to read that one over again myself this past three weeks. Then I had to really think about that. I also had to review my advice about Joseph and Rule J. I sure didn't realize when I wrote this stuff that "I" would be the person that may be helped by my writings. I'll bet God knew, though. And He let me start this post, feeling that there was someone who would be reached by it. But now it's me, reading my own words back to myself, giving me renewal, remembering that he is close. Ironically?! also is the fact that my kids chose the animated movie about Joseph at Walmart the other day. So I have not only read my own advice about life's trials, I have watched a cartoon about Joseph that helped me to know that even though Joseph spent day after day, month after month with one trial and betrayal after another, God had a very cool plan for Joseph. But he also did his part- he remained faithful and did the right thing.

My recent trials? We had been awaiting the time when we could see our new baby grandchild, but now that time will have to wait until we see that baby in heaven. This is not what we wanted, not what the plan was, not fair. Our daughter and son-in-law had a miscarriage, very painful emotionally and physically. We have no answers as to why this happened. We do have an abundance of questions, which are and will remain unanswered at least until we pass on. They have an early ultrasound photo, the only proof of the baby's life, which I know they treasure. Life is so precious, and the miracle of pregnancy and birth is a wonder in itself. It is awesome to know that that little life in not just gone, but is in another place where someday we'll have that long awaited meeting. People have been wonderful in supporting them and even in sharing their own stories of loss, which must be difficult, now matter how much time has passed. Sharing your own tragedy to help someone cope with theirs is nothing less than grabbing a handful of love from your heart (even tho it hurts) and offering it to that person in words. I know it's hard to know what to say to someone with such a loss, but even just a hug helps. And time. Lots of time.
In the same 24 hours, I became aware that my husband had fallen off the wagon into a stinking pile of pornography. Unfortunately, this is the secret sin in our society, with the flames being fueled by the media and women walking around with the desire to be desired. We really need to teach our kids about keeping their minds pure. The school will not do that for you. Many churches will not do that for you. We allow our kids to see so much that is inappropriate, and we don't talk to them about it because it's just on tv, in a movie, or at the beach. And what does our silence say? Do we fool ourselves into thinking that they are kids and don't really notice? Is it so all over that we just hope they get used to it? Do we not want to be old fuddy duddies? Do we not want to talk about it, or draw their attention to it? We need to wake up and smell the smut!! Protect your kids from your tv. Don't pay $ for the movie. Don't dress or let your daughter dress in a way that is going to make a man look at you like a piece of meat- do not provide eye candy for someone who does not love you or care what your name is.
Adding to my dh's temptation are the hormonal issues and an Rx for testosterone. Recall that I said, "Adding to the temptation", and not "Excusing the actions". So, dh is in the process of standing up, facing the issue, peeling off the layer of slime, and crawling back into the wagon.
Next post will be about getting back on the wagon and staying on, and more.

As I said, not all paths in life are clear or safe. And we all have issues in our lives that show that we and our families are not perfect. I feel the need to be honest and open with these issues. Pretending that my life is perfect is useless. Only in admitting and thinking about my problems can I hope to alleviate or accept them. If just one person reads this and makes a committment to block some of their tv and teach their kids about purity I have succeeded.

I recommend:
The Christian children's song, "Oh be careful..."
Read your bible. Read it like you're searching for answers. You may find some.
A computer blocking program such as K9. It is free, easy to use, free, programmable, free.....

Mouths of babes

Why is it that kids can remember things they hear on t.v, but can't remember the house rules or their multiplication tables?? Our son, Corey, was excited about the waiting on he'd get during a hospital stay, saying he'd get so much "publicity".
Another son, Christopher, standing with Grandma at Grandpa's gravesite a few months after his passing, said, "Well, it just doesn't get better than this." Thankfully, Grandma saw the humor in that one.
One day at a restaurant dinner with extended family, Christopher looked across the table at his sister Cierra and asked, "Cierra, if you die, can I have your room?"
And then there's the time Corey told me he knew why women wear bras. When I asked why, he told me it was because "those things must be really ugly". And ya know, I'm fine with him having that opinion for several years yet.